About a year ago I gave a poll to my reader list. I asked them “Why do you want to lose the fat?” It is a simple question that most have a hard time answering honestly. Be it 200 pounds or 10 pounds, there is always a reason why you want to lose fat. No one want to lose fat just “because” they don’t have anything better to do. If there is a person out there like this, run from them.
Right now I am sure you are running through your list and reasons for why you want to lose fat. I am sure most you feel can be deemed as noble (heath, family, career) and some of you feel ashamed of (an ex, bad high school tales, to score that hot date). Funny enough though when I did that poll I got this as my top response.
I don’t want to be the “ugly fat friend” anymore.
It cuts like a knife writing it. In truth, I feel mean writing it, as if I am saying something wrong. As if I am passing a judgment. However, I can assure you that very few people ever feel like the “hot and happening” friend that you imagine them feeling like. Even if someone is happy with their body, their is always something. That being said, screw the PC bull and let’s get down to it.
You don’t really care much about the insecurities of others. You care about your own. This isn’t the last time I am going to touch on this, this is an important topic to me. I hate, hate seeing people not reach their potential. One of my favorite movies of all times, A Bronx Tale, has so many good lines I can’t see straight. One of the best lines are “The saddest thing in life is wasted talent.” Nothing could be truer. Nothing is set in stone, at any moment we can move to better ourselves.
I have a bombshell to drop on you right now which is…
Losing fat CAN fix problems in your life. You just have to lose enough of it.
Making a statement like that is likely to bring a slew of angry rants my way, but bare with me for a moment.
When I say you have to lose enough of it, that means you have to lose enough of it for YOU. For some this is toting a “six pack” and for others it is having a nice round lovely lady lump. Some women look HOT “fat.” I am not one of them, I look really bad. I have a very week bone structure and a freakishly small head. It doesn’t work for me. Some guys look good with some roundness to their face. Some don’t. Sometimes people lose fat and realize they have gone too far and put a little chub back on, especially with age.
I am not suggesting getting ultra lean to solve your problems, but I am saying that it can help. With fat loss can come being more attractive and feeling more attractive can lead to more self esteem. You can’t begin to understand what that can do for you life. Being confident is a great thing and important to your future. Don’t believe the bull, losing fat CAN help with that.
“It is what is on the inside that matters”
Most people say this and don’t mean it. The few people that do have likely settled and made a peace with life, their body, and what it has to offer. That is great, not knocking that at all. For the rest of us we know that the outside does matter. Now that we have resided to the fact that we need to lose the fat/keep it off, we have to wake up and acknowledge something else.
Tone/Muscle beat Flabby/Soft any day of the week.
When it comes to tailoring body composition you need to realize…
- What you want
- If what you want is what you can achieve
I think that Latino women are some of the hottest women that ever grazed the earth. Their olive complexion and more naturally round figures ooze hotness. I will never have that. Ever. I will never be a hot sexy Latino chick. I can however have healthy skin, thankfully I do have a good ass, and can train my body for more “ample” and defined looks.
You have to understand the difference between “I will never have that, so screw it” and “I will never have that, but I CAN tweak it to this.” Most people have all the means to them possible to never be “ugly” and lifting a little weight is a fast way to change that. At the very least they appear to care about themselves. That is a huge social plus.
You are what you see yourself to be.
If you see yourself as the ugly fat friend, I assure you, you will always be the ugly fat friend. If however, you stand up and tell your insecurities and inner doubts to go screw themselves, then you might not only be the “hot friend” but even the “hot, smart, and driven” friend.
Don’t allow others to see you as lower than them or else you will allow them to treat you as such. If you have a friend that see’s you like that, that thinks you are beneath them, and they like the self-esteem boost then I think you know what I am going to say to that.
They Suck, Move On.
Doing that, standing up for who you are, THAT is HOT.
Sad thing is, I know a woman who purposely picks “friends” bigger than herself to make her look better. She has obvious self esteem problems. But it is sad to me because she is not really their friend. Oh well, I agree, those Latino women have the best skin. My skin? Well, when I say “pasty” you say “white”!!
Yeah, that is me in the winter – ick!!
This is a big reason why I’m taking part in the challenge. I’m tired of being the “BIG Guy”. I don’t think it’s a lack of self esteem, just time for a change. I’m a confident person that wants more…
If it makes you feel better, I will NEVER be a Hot, sexy, Latino chick either!!
–Jim
LOL at Jim!! That WOULD be difficult for you!
This is a great post, Leigh, as usual. I can see how some people might grab a line here or there and run with it and slam you with negativity, but you speak the truth.
I love what’s on the inside of me, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting the outside to match the inside. I don’t think that being thin would solve all of the world’s problems or that it would make me rich or that it would make my marriage better (I’ve got a pretty good marriage already, thankfully) or that it would get me more friends (again, lots of pretty awesome friends as it is). No, I want to be thin and healthy for me and only for me. Well, maybe for my girls, too, so that they can see me taking care of myself and being a good role model, but mostly for me.
anyway, great post and I hear ya. Somebody who thinks of you as the fat friend and treats you that way SUCKS and should be dropped pronto!
(oh, and you and Missy don’t know pasty white til you see this Irish girl glowing year-round! Once when I was in high school, I was heading out to some event in the Spring and my mom wanted to know why I was wearing white tights. DUDE–no tights. Just my pasty white legs.
Thanks, Mom.)
Hi! Oh Leigh, I have so much I could say about this… I’m 43 and work alongside twenty- and early-thirtysomethings who thought I was their age and would describe me as fit and muscular. But flash back to 1999 and I was sick to death of being my beautiful husband’s fat ugly wife, newly diagnosed with hypertension and Type 2 diabetes (“late onset” my A**!!), and at wit’s end over feeling that despite all my qualities, when push came to shove I was lazy, unmotivated, undisciplined and a disappointment to my family and my self. This is a terrible load for anyone to bear and these are horrible, crippling thoughts to have about oneself no matter what. NOBODY should think so little of themselves.
This isn’t to say that being slim turns life into a fairy tale! (As if!) Just yesterday I was thinking about how people are always searching for the “meaning of life” when the answers are right here within us if we find the courage to look and ask: Who are we REALLY? WHY? What is our baggage and can we take all those obstacles we place in our own way and identify then remove them? Can knowing ourselves (truly) lead us to become better, more loving, happy, and compassionate people? I certainly think so. If you lost everything you own and were left with nothing but yourself and your loved ones would you rich? Make it so.
For many of us being fat is so much more than having an unhealthy layer of blubber that envelops us. It’s how it weighs us down mentally, how believing about ourselves as we do we hold ourselves back from becoming who we really are.
On my bulletin board beside me I can see a list I made myself on December 1st, 1996. It is called FIVE BELIEFS THAT HAVE LIMITED ME and I invite you to create your own.
Mine says:
1) People will judge me because I’m fat.
2) I’m lazy.
3) I lack discipline.
4) I lack motivation.
5) My talents are not developed enough to be marketable.
I also made a second list, FIVE BELIEFS THAT CAN HELP ME. Make that one too.
Mine says:
1) I’m capable of great passion and enthusiasm.
2) I have many different skills.
3) I’m personable and an excellent communicator.
4) I’m a terrific person with a lot to offer.
5) There are things about me that are quite special.
When I see that first list I realize now how false they were despite how deeply I believed them. Whether or not we are “the fat friend”, it is enough to BELIEVE that we are. It is too much.
There are so many great reasons to shed fat and get in shape and we tend to focus on how we’ll look physically, how we’ll feel in a more attractive body, and how it will open up so many opportunities for us, whether it’s a career move, new partner, or embracing a more outdoorsy lifestyle.
But what I found when I discovered a new way of living in June 1999 thanks to the trainers at an amazing gym is that the first, biggest, and most enduring transformation that occurred was between my EARS. It was almost immediate as I was challenged to rise to a higher standard than I’d thought myself capable of and DID IT! And I can assure you, NOTHING that will ever happen to me can alter every great thing I discovered about myself and which holds just as true for all of you! Each and every one of us CAN do The Hard Thing (whatever that may be) and if we just stop putting obstacles in our path we will rise up and become everything we were meant to be and ALREADY ARE.
I applaud all of you… You guys are doin’ it!! Don’t lose sight of the big picture – it’s you!
Danielle, GREAT post!! Thanks for sharing those lists–that’s a great idea!
-sinead
I will admit that I got my back up a little bit when I read the title. I do love the shock vaule of your titles in general Leigh. I guess I know I am the fat friend that I don’t want to be. I got lean enough once and actually too lean. I am one of those that looks better “fat” as you say. This time I will stop around size 10 or so. I looked great there.
PS: I started the meal challenge on my own a little late, but have been enjoying playing along.
You are EXACTLY right!!! I know what you are saying! When I was at my favorite weight and wearing size 6, it wasn’t only that I looked better, I felt better, and I was better! It wasn’t just about the scale or the size, it was how accomplishing that goal made me feel about myself. I was capable of acheiving a goal, I was working out lifting weights, acheiving goals every week increase weight and reps, it was a powerful thing! I was happier, sexier, less stressed, I was the ME I always wanted to be!!! And I’m working on being her again!!! It’s so much more about YOU than you realize! When we get out of our own ways OH THE THINGS WE CAN ACHEIVE!!!
Thanks Leigh!!!
People certainly DO respond differently to you when you make the change to get into better shape, but their response simply reflects your new personality!
I had a “friend” who, after I had dropped the majority of my weight, seemed irritated with me all the time. I couldn’t figure it out until I talked to a mutual friend about it, and she told me it was because the other “friend” realized she could no longer be a user, getting what she wanted from me all the time. I didn’t even realize I had changed and naturally and subconsciously put a stop to her abuse. This “friend” has since alienated everyone else as well, and is long gone, moved far away.
On the flip side, my relationships with family and REAL friends became stronger because of the new-found confidence. I was talking to my closest friend just a couple days ago about when I was heavier, and she was telling me about every detail of how I used to walk and talk, how I carried myself, how I was always careful not to let myself plop down into a chair, how I would (or would not) engage other people, and how all that has completely changed now that I’m way more fit. It blew my mind, first because she paid so much attention that she remembered that stuff from more than 5 years ago, but also because I never even realized I did that stuff, it was all subconscious.
So, when you improve yourself and you notice people responding differently to you, it’s not your looks, it’s your whole new energy!
Wow, Mike, those are pretty powerful examples.
Very thought provoking post today, Leigh…. good stuff!
People say, losing weight won’t make you happy. I used to be one of those people. Well although I have never uttered the phrase out loud, so not to sound like an arrogant, shallow ass, I am definately happier since I lost weight.
I am happier, healthier obviously, have more self esteem and just like myself more when I’m thinner.
Of course it’s not just a number on a scale, but I think the whole process of losing weight, achieving goals, and being proud of yourself that can make people happier. It’s the journey probably more than the objective itself.
But bottom line for me. I am happier.
Thanks for being straight and speaking the truth Leigh! When I was heavier, I was convinced that I would be happier if only I were thin. Well guess what- it’s true!Losing weight made me more confident about all areas of my life.
So TRUE Leigh!
When I was weighing in at 267 lbs. my self esteem was so low. I felt like, and wanted to be for that matter, INVISIBLE! It was so bad I got angry when family took a picture of me, if I was forced I would hold one of my kids to hide my body. I even was at the point of not even looking in the mirror. Who know what my hair was looking like when I left the house! My wake up call came when my daughter asked me why I never laughed. And I knew, deep down I was miserable! I was diagnosed with depression and I was told it was from a hormonal imbalance… but I knew it was all because of my weight.
I lost the bulk of that weight and I found ME… the me that used to laugh and have fun. The me that was the risk taker… the adventurer. People who did not know me as I was growing up would say – oh you are loosing too much weight. My Mom had the best answer for them… she just smiled and said in her sweet voice, “No, I am getting my Annelle back!”
After being stuck for years, I got frustrated again because I could not take off the last few pounds of fat. I started this challenge and had a great week.
The day of my check in, I had to go to the Costco and people kept talking to me… little things here and there – small talk, you know like oh, these grapes look delicious, nothing big deal, it just MANY times throughout Costco.
I finally figured it out. My confidence was boosted knowing that I was a step closer to my goals. My confidence was so boosted I was walking around smiling. Smiling, confident people attract people. It felt good.
All of us here are a step closer to our goals. We just need to feel good about ourselves and along the way smile… it is contagious!
I know I’ll sound like a prude for saying this, but I don’t care. I’m offended by all this skin talk. There is nothing wrong with fair skin. It is not less attractive than any other skin type. Light, dark, medium, it’s all beautiful. Using terms like “pasty” and “Whitey” is totally unacceptable. I know, you all think it’s okay because you’re just poking fun at yourself, but you’re not. You’re ridiculing a physical feature that many people have. You are making fun of every single one of them, as well. I really like this blog, but it’s definitely been taken down a notch because of this. I come here to read about weight loss, not have fair skin- like mine- ridiculed. Again, I know I’m a prude, but I don’t care! It pisses me off!!
Why do otherwise intelligent people succumb to media-manufactured, cookie cutter ideas of beauty? Can’t be too light, can’t be too dark either (just ask black models how having dark skin affects their careers.) Nope, gotta be “olive.” And have big breasts. And a round butt- but not too big! And long, straight hair, blah blah blah. I’m not even a woman and this stuff ticks me off! Why can’t we just be fit and healthy? That should be enough.
Whew! It feels good to get that off my chance. Rant over.
Dude, angry is the new black! Respect.
Hey, Leigh, cute little blog you got here.
Good post and good comments, but you all sell yourself short. Of the dozens of women I’ve dated, two out of that seven were pretty fair skinned. Yeah, no tans at all. Couldn’t if they wanted to. Bad? Nope. No tans means no farmer tans, or whatever the female version is. Sweet deal for me. er, them. Whatever… Personally, I find fair or white skin very attractive. Freckles? Bonus. But I was a dot-to-dot fan as a kid. Yet, I also find darker skin attractive when it’s done well.
I know a lot of what you said was tongue in cheek, so I won’t get too preachy or anything, but you need to be hot NOW. Don’t wait until your body gets all the way there, meet it at the gate. Queen Latifah has been hot for a while. Yeah, she’s hotter now, but guys wanted her way back. Rachael Ray? Hot. Valerie Bertinelli… I’ll take a needed pause for second…
Ok, I’m back.
Don’t get me wrong, I think Jessica Biel is amazing. Maggie Gyllenhaal, too. Kirsten Dunst (yeah, I know, I know!), Diane Lane, 1980’s Kathleen Turner, etc. All good.
They’ve all got something, just like every woman could. Some just want IT, so they get it.
I’m not saying not to take care of things, you should, but remember that every flaw you see and dwell on is one that will take your confidence down a notch. You’re good with it, or good with dealing with it, and you’re back up again.
I don’t think I’m unique in finding something attractive in almost every woman. I love their faces and their expressions, eyes and lips… you know, all the face parts. But, what’s inside is revealed there and that’s what the good/better guys appreciate. Of course they appreciate the body, too, but it doesn’t have to be the be all, end all.
Granted, MANY guys are pigs. Some might argue most. You’re going to have to work pretty hard to get all svelte and lithe for those pig men. But, if you do, you’ll get ‘em. That pig man will be yours. Yay. *seemingly obvious sarcasm*
Just be hot NOW: You are.
I leave you with the wise words of one of the greats of our time: “If you believe it’s true, it’s not a lie.” — George Costanza
Later,
Roland
Ah, Roland, you’re good for the ego.
Thanks for the wise words. You rock!
Missy-I know those girls too, the hardly ever have much worth saying and are quick to embarrass others “beneath” Sad.
Jim-I don’t know Jim, there may be a hot Latino woman in your yet.
Sinead-Tights story=priceless. For the record I do think freckles are very attractive. Nuttin but hot cinnamon!
Mike-Those are excellent points on how your physical feeling inside can alter your external subconscious actions.
Lori-Thank you
Annie-Ha excellent and truthful post.
Michelle-I am glad that you have gotten a boost from your hardwork.
Annelle-”finally figured it out. My confidence was boosted knowing that I was a step closer to my goals. My confidence was so boosted I was walking around smiling. Smiling, confident people attract people. It felt good.” Brilliance.
Jordon/Roland-I never said pasty/pale skin was bad. I said I have a personal desire/like a look. Big difference. Sometimes I wish I had lots of physical attributes all the way around to make things easier, to look better, etc. It is very natural, to deny that is for most is lying to themselves. That doesn’t mean I don’t think I am the shit, cause I do. I have fantastic self worth. It is because of that self worth I know what I can achieve. I like the challenge of pushing my style, my physical limits, and my look. To me, TO ME, that is fun and exciting, not degrating or defeating.
There is no reason to read anything negative to others or towards myself in that post. Notice the part that says “For You.”
Roland-Cute little blog? Thanks for the pat.
Thanks for the song, Leigh!
I had a whole response written out to Jordan yesterday, but before I posted it I decided that it was probably a hormonal preggo reaction and that I didn’t want to subject anybody to that. lol My comments about my own glowingly white skin are not intended to disparage anyone–there are many ghostly pale women who are gorgeous (Nicole Kidman, anyone?) and it was a desired appearance during Victorian times. For me, though, the pale skin has always been a source of humor and sometimes frustration–seriously, pale skinned red heads don’t always have the easiest life in the Southern US. Sunscreen and I are huge friends and I still get burned. I like my skin, though–it keeps everything else in. lol Anywho, a few comments about my own pale skin are not me buying into any media stereotype, dude. Sure, I could maybe change the look of my skin if I wanted to mess with sunless tanners (but I don’t have the time) or tanning beds (but even 3 min gives me sun poison rashes), but I figure it just adds to my allure. lol Hey–my husband likes my skin and I’ll cool with it, so that’s all that counts, right?
see–much better and less hormonal response. lol
Hey, guys, sorry for getting emotional. We all have our buttons that can be pushed. This is one of mine! Leigh, you’re right that it’s natural to want to look better/ change something about ourselves. I’m 70 pounds overweight, so trust me, I know that! But I think we should be able to talk about what we *like* without disparaging too much what we *don’t like*. But I understand that we all have our issues and we need to vent from time to time. I just did!
But I do think we need to stop to think about how our self-criticism can potentially affect others.
I don’t want to be fat because I don’t want to die…
I agree, Jordan!
Sometimes venting is the perfect antidote for getting things off our chest. 
For the most part “you” was more general than YOU, Leigh.
Maybe I read more into it than I should have. I’ve heard comments about pale skin being perceived as less attractive in a variety of places, over a long period of time. There have been pale people complaining about their skin for years, so oops.
I still think that most people who’ve been overweight underestimate themselves and the people that do, could, or would find them attractive. Yes, you are the shit. Maybe you’re exactly as much the shit as you think you are. Maybe you’re selling your shitness short? I doubt it, but again, I’m talking generalities here, not you.