Disclaimer:Let me warn you that this is a very sensitive topic, I am a very straight forward person, and am going to be using common sense, scientific data, and life experiences. This is a very generalized topic and is not going to be true for everyone. Please continue reading with understanding that I am not judging or claiming a right or wrong. This is simply a read of human character.
I had a different post planned for today but I received such an email response to Friday’s post that I felt it necessary to touch on a readers concern. In short, the reader wanted me to address the issues of being the “fat partner” and it’s effect on you physically and mentally. I wanted to keep their identity private but highlight and start with a pretty truthful expression of human condition.
I still feel horrified on a daily basis even though he doesn’t persecute me or drag me around on his arm because I’m fat and he’s not. I still feel like I need to make up for being fat. And that because I’m fat I’m not marriable. I mean whenever you see someone on tv who has just lost a bunch of weight you always hear how they finally met someone who loves them beyond all measure.
People are getting fatter?
When you grow up in the land of buttermilk biscuits, sausage gravy, pecan pie, and tea so sweet it could fuel a car, it is hard to think that obesity is growing. I can’t remember a time where the majority of the adults I saw around me weren’t noticeably overweight. However, based on current research In the United States the prevalence of obesity for adults twenty to 74 years of age has increased from fifteen percent in the late 1970s to 32.2 percent in 2003-2004. From 2000 to 2005 alone, the prevalence of obesity rose 24 percent.
This kind of increase isn’t a small drizzle on social change; It is a typhoon effect of socialization. Obesity and its high rate of increase takes a few paths but ultimately the goal or social effect leads to acceptance. This isn’t acceptance just in dating, but in friendship as well. As our world and our eyes adjust, they adjust to a big belt size. One is inclined to say that it doesn’t matter as long as your healthy. The question is, is it that simple?
In this series we are going to look at a scientific and real world look at mixed weight dating.
Are overweight people less likely to be married? What are the other issues that one must deal with in a relationship of mixed weight? Does it really matter if a spouse gains fat overtime? These questions and more are going to be answered.
This sounds like it will be an interesting series, Leigh.
What about what happens when you have a fat couple and one person loses the weight but the other doesn’t seem interested. There’s a precarious dynamic there. The one who has lost weight and feels so great probably wants to help the one he or she loves to experience the same things (and not because he or she loves the bigger one any less now), but the one who hasn’t lost the weight probably feels pressure and maybe that the now thin one won’t find the fat one desirable anymore unless she/he loses weight. Man, sometimes relationships are hard.
Anywho, I look forward to whatever you put together for us!
I’m interested in reading this.
I was overweight for most of my marriage (and when we dated), and it didn’t bother her. The flip side is that a girl I was dating a few months ago wouldn’t date me anymore because SHE was overweight and didn’t believe that she could be my type.
Isn’t it crazy how we mix everything up in our heads Roland? There have been many times that I have questioned my husband’s statements that he finds me just as attractive as he did 10 yrs and 80 lbs ago (and 2.5 kids ago), but I guess it goes to show that love isn’t always about the picture that everybody sees, huh?
And weird about that girl. Clearly she was deluded because YOU rock!
This one should be interesting. some folks say we seek out mates that are similar to ourselves and that too much disparity in some aspects causes difficulties in the relationship, such as in the difference in fatness, or intelligence, wealth. Others say the differences balance the relationship and contribute to its strength. Then there’s the dysfunctional side where the partner with the “upper hand” is leveraging it as power to keep the other partner loyal, thus signifying major insecurity issues with both partners.
Can’t help much with the dating stuff, not on the radar here, personally.
Oh sorry I was waving in the wrong post lol. So I’m now waving again to Sinead lol. How are you doing? Miss ya!
I just read the other day about a guy who wanted to dump his wife because she’s overweight. He was trying every way to help her and even losing some weight himself, but she’s totally uninterested. She continues eating and gaining more weight. He felt terribly guilty and depressed for wanting to dump her due to this seemly ‘appearance’ issue. I think it was not like he hates the ‘fat’ girl. He just hates the girl who let herself go like that.
Warasa, I can see his frustration. That’s not the same person he married. She’s in there somewhere but obviously she’s not happy yet not willing to tackle whatever issue upsets her. Kind of a deal breaker!!
I have experience being the “fat” one in a relationship, and the crazy thing is that I’m not fat (5′6″, 125-128 lbs)!
Said relationship was with an elite athlete who effortlessly maintained a single digit body fat level. He was constantly on my case about my body.
Needless to say, we are no longer together!
[...] matters: being the fat one in the relationship, beware triggers to old/bad habits, a crisis of confidence, the frontiers of [...]
I’d say that I’ve been the ‘thin’ one (or more accurately, the ‘fit’ one) in relationships, and I’m female. I’ve dated several men in the past who were overweight. Neither thought they were overweight, and neither did any of the ‘internalization’ that this woman in her letter is doing: beating herself up and feeling down over it. Both briefly panicked during the holidays, and i could tell that they had gained weight (no, I didn’t date them at the same time, just dated each before and during the holidays! LOL). I was amazed at their abilities to see themselves as ‘just a little bit chubby’, when they were overweight, fat hanging over the stomach, etc. They ate whatever they wanted, and tried to make up for it in workouts, except those were very inconsistant. Both seemed to take it for granted very early in the dating, that I was in very fit shape. I finally realized that it really turned me off to be with someone who took such poor care of themselves. They’d never support me fully in my sports, as I am very goal oriented and on a set schedule, while they miss weeks of workouts and think that they ‘catch up” by working out three consecutive days. Sorry, at this point, I’ll either be single or with someone who matches my goals. I don’t want to deal with the sabotage from someone who is overweight: eating late at night, eating out a lot, eating junk and brining it into the home. And if I work so hard to make my body strong and healthy, is is wrong to want someone as a partner to do the same? Is that just superficial? If so, so be it. And “Mint Tea”, that’s not even close to fat, you were ‘just’ with someone who was placing his obsessions onto you. There is a middle ground, I think. But that’s been really muddied by the fact that a MAJORITY of US adults are now overweight, and a majority will be obese in a few years!
Zoey, I think that’s an interesting point about the internalizing. I’m guessing that this is a problem that more women face than men (the internalizing)–not to say that men can’t internalize, but maybe that there’s less pressure from society. With all the “perfect” (air-brushed) female bodies out there, it’s amazing to find women with realistic appreciation for their bodies. I’m not one for blaming the media; the ads and magazines didn’t make me fat…I did that all to myself (sure with a little medical side effect help, but still, my food choices). I also don’t have to buy into their image of perfect. Sometimes it’s hard to keep your own ideas solid, though, when you’re assaulted at every turn by someone else’s idea of perfect.
Sinead- Relationships can be really hard, especially when dealing with circumstances like these. I think you will enjoy the posts to come.
Roland- Interesting, I think you will enjoy the following posts to come.
Mike- That is crap, you should be on the radar
Warasa- I have such mixed feelings on this. It is a hard situation to be in.
Mint Tea- Wow…I don’t even know what to say to that. I am glad you aren’t together any more.
Zoey- I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. You are just attracted to people that want to take care of them selves.
Sinead- Well put!
I think that it is a very interesting and amusing article. Practically all its main points are true.