Where we last left off we were discussing the selection process of dating. Let’s assume now that you have chosen your mate. Be it marriage or a serious long term relationship, the person you are with now is settled into your life. What now?
Makeover that never was
Studies show that 74% of all relationships are entered into based on the hope of making large changes in the person that they are with. Meaning that from the get go the majority of people had a desire for an improvement for the person that they were with. Funny that the very thing that you wanted to improve on your partner (or them to you) isn’t what you think. 89% of the time the improvement that you want to make on your partner (or them to you) is the #1 thing that THEY complain about. If I asked you “If you could change one thing about your partner, what would it be?” how likely are you to give an answer of something that you know that want to change themselves? While people are judgmental, the truth always has been that the finger that points the hardest is towards ourselves.
Family feud results are in
What is the number one personal complaint about ourselves? Do I really need to tell you? You guessed it. In both men and women the number one complaint about ourselves is personal body composition. Men who gained weight were more likely to report marital problems than men who lost weight and they have a harder time dealing with it than women. However, men are twice as likely to have a problem with their partner being overweight. Goes to show you that the thing we are most insecure about with ourselves are what we are most critical of when it comes to others.
Honey, what did you get from the store today?
Women lead by a large margin in the department of food control. Women do the shopping, the cooking, and the food selection in the majority of households. Many studies have shown that women are triggered by more emotional behavioral eating and pulled more towards carbohydrates to stimulate a positive endorphin signaling in the brain. The problem is that the constant back and forth that occurs through the comfort eating process causing control issues and feeling of guilt. This leads to suppressing anger towards their mate. Women more than men try to make up for their “failing” appearance and will power. In doing so it can lead towards allowing their counterpart to respect them less which can lead to a cascade of problems. On the flip side women are more verbal than men about their unhappiness with their weight thinking that men don’t care or are even proud of their loss of lean body. They try to please them with the food they buy, but guilt them for it later due to jealousy and personal doubt at the moment of change. Oh that tangle web we weave.
Change is Scary
At some point something clicks for one in the couple. Ideally it would be both, but it is usually rare that this occurs. The majority of you reading this now are here because you have a desire or a need to change your body composition. Getting the education is only half the battle. Let’s assume that now you know what it is that you have to do in order to achieve fat loss (because you bought the book right?) but applying that in real life is easier said than done. There are 3 main obstacles that the majority of you are going to have to deal with when you start dieting down. Hopefully these tips will help you get through them.
#1-They don’t like your food-
It is hard enough to re-teach your tastebuds when motivated but changing the tastebuds of those who aren’t. Your family may not like your food. They may hate your food. They want different food. They want you to make them pie, order a pizza, or keep those snacks around that you nibble on yourself. Yeah, try sticking to your calories when you have a large cheese pizza in from of you.
Solution?
They need to suck it up and help you. If you really care enough to change then it shouldn’t take a lifetime and they can deal with making it easier on you for a short time. If you don’t think you deserve it, it won’t go over well. If you don’t really want it, it won’t go over well. You need to be as dedicated to it as you hope they are. That is the first step. Now that you have that understood, I want to leave you with one more thing. If you really can’t go to your family and ask them for this help, then you may have found one of the reasons you went to food in the first place.
#2-Sabotage brought on by fear-
Is the wife complaining about you losing your softness? Is your boyfriend all the sudden bringing home fast food or making stuff he didn’t used to? Are you starting to get complaints about how you are changing or that you are cheating? This is nothing but a sad attempt of not allowing you to change because of what that change might mean. A lot of people have a hard time understanding that you could be unhappy with an aspect of you life, but that doesn’t mean you want a completely different one.
Solution?
While they are being big babies it doesn’t matter, they are still scared. Your job, is to do the best you can to remind them, all the time, how much you love them. They need to know that you are doing this for yourself and so that you can be happier be with them. You need to assure them about your fears, really talk to them and let you know who you are. Remember people fear what they don’t understand.
#3-You do feel different, and you don’t know what that means
Sometimes when we finally gain a certain level of respect we realize that we made some bad decisions along the way. Sometimes that is in our job, sometimes it is in our friends, and sometimes it is in our partner. You aren’t going to find me on the camp of staying with someone because it is the right thing to do. I have seen so much in my life and if it is one thing I know, it is that life is too beautiful to waste it just because it is the right thing to do.
Solution?
Try, try with all your might to grow with the person you are with. However, if they can’t grow with you, if they are bringing you down, then fly like a bird, fly far far away.
Leigh this is your best series yet.
I used to be in the wrong relationship and everyone told me that basically I was lucky to have anyone at all. I let them abuse me verbally all the time and I thought I deserved it. It took 12 years to get up the courage to leave because where I come from you don’t leave a marriage. It was so hard for me to think I was worth it.
More good news is I found someone who treats me much much better.
I don’t see how you can propose people to leave a marriage. That is why it is called for better or worse. It isn’t always good. I take my body as a temple serious and if my wife slacked off we would have problems but I wouldn’t get a divorce.
It isn’t wrong to expect the person you married to stay the way the are.
Barry – some people are in extremely bad relationships. I’d never suggest that someone leave a marriage lightly – it is a commitment, but I haven’t walked in the shoes of anyone who is verbally or physically abused by their partner. Some people stay because they think they don’t deserve better. Changing their body and lifestyle might help some folks realize that they do deserve better, and I don’t see it as my place to judge them for it.
It might not be *wrong* to expect the person you married to stay the way they are/were, but it’s not very realistic for most people. People change. Either the relationship can handle the change or it can’t.
Barry: it is wrong to never expect your mate to physically change unless you are married to Dorian Gray.
Marriage is supposed to be for better or worse. We are supposed to work through issues and get back to the better place. That doesn’t alway happen. Vows are not in place stating “for better or worse, abused or not”. I don’t want to see anyone hurt – physically or mentally. However, there is the vow part of all this. In that case,, do you just leave, not get divorced and hope the person you thought you married re-emerges (at least for a period of time). Afterall, if you married for the right reasons, you may end up happy.
Additionally, the Bible calls for no divorce. But, it also acknoledges that if you are married to a non-believer, you can leave. The quesiton is if a believer would be abusive. I think not as the Bible would not support it (although we all sin and do really stupid things). This woudl imply that if you are married to a believer, there is hope in God. If the spouse truly is a believer, they will see their wrong and fix themselves. If they don’t, and they probabyl are not a true believer; therefore, God gives you an out.
Leigh- I have been reading your blog for a while now and I have to say I am really enjoying this series. I think that you should never let anyone stop you from acheiving your goals. If someone does then maybe they aren’t right for you. Regardless…if you aren’t happy then you can make others happy, or enjoy life as well.
One more thing to note. I am so sick of hearing people say “I don’t want my family to suffer because I am overweight” Maybe you family needs to live a healthier lifestyle as well.
connectingus- Nice advertising for your book. I would have to say that I disagree with you. Also, not everyone is religious and if you are married to a crappy person, or someone that won’t support you then you shouldn’t have to put up with it. You shouldn’t have to make your out be that “they aren’t nice to me so obviously they don’t live by gods word.” Some people are religious an d just suck, some people are religious and don’t suck. Some people aren’t religious and suck, some people aren’t religious and do suck.
We should be trying to learn to mold people into who we want to be. We should be growing together in a relationship.
And for the record I am religious, but I don’t think your religion is based on if you are a good person.
(sorry for ranting Leigh)
Let me put a different spin on this conversation – what about the marriage where the spouse is almost too wonderful to believe – “I love you no matter what you weigh, honey”? Sounds great, BUT….does that make it harder to get the support and motivation needed to lose or keep off the pounds? And before someone puts it out there, lets assume the positive – that he’s not just saying this to get/keep you fat so you won’t be able to leave – he’s really just that sweet! On the one hand it’s great to have that unconditional love – on the other, it means you have to REALLY REALLY want to do it JUST FOR YOU.
Fortunately in my case, we’ve talked about it a lot, and he realizes that I need his support and motivation – so while he loves me whatever size, when I say “hey, I’m working on something here, and I want you to help me by doing x when you see me doing Y” he’s great at keeping me “on track”. Yes, we had to have the conversation about what motivates me, and what makes me pissed off and rebelious and do the wrong thing just because……but that’s another therapy session!!
But I wanted to widen the conversation to not just bad relationships, but how sometimes even the best of relationships could lead to good and bad health results….
Interesting topic. Pretty soon we’ll be coming up on our 27th anniversary (January) and I must say neither of us is perfect neither physically nor in any other way. I don’t think either of us has particularly tried to change the other but yet we’ve grown as we’ve changed over the years and each has been pretty accepting of the other. One thing that I think has really helped us is that from the get go is that we both strongly believe that strong marriages–relationships don’t just happen you make them happen and it takes a lot of hard work. We decided together how we were going to handle certain things and what the ground rules were for stuff like finances, respect for each other, values, etc. Being a good support person sometimes means you make sacrifices for your partner. It may also mean understanding that the person with the ultimate responsibility especially in self care and making healthier choices is the individual and understanding that you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink.
Compared to my hubby I have a “bigger weight problem” meaning I have more weight to lose than he does and I also have high blood pressure, diabetes etc although those are both well controlled. His lab work is perfect and it’s only recently that he’s put on a few pounds but this certainly isn’t because of anything he’s done lifestyle wise he’s just been lucky. I’m the one who’s tended to do much “better” in terms of exercising or making healthier food choices etc. I’ve been doing those things more often than not for years whereas until recently my hubby has gotten away with being a couch potato and eating an atrocious diet. So how do you gauge who’s healthier by results (meaning appearance) or behaviors? Appearances doesn’t seem quite the right answer again due to lucky genes but by the same token why should I criticize my hubby for not exercising or watching his diet back when he didn’t have a weight problem, cholesterol is perfect, blood pressure awesome etc? Also do we do these things to be healthier or is this all about vanity? Is one motive better than the other or does it even matter as long as it gets the job done? Does it make a difference if you’re 10 lbs overweight or have 100lbs to lose in the end both have room for improvement. Is one really easier or worse than the other? Not to the person battling their demons. I guess I tend to believe that this is an area where let one who is without sin cast the first stone. Realistically we’re all in this boat together and typically being harsh or critical does nothing to influence a loved one to make better choices for themselves. My philosophy is that I have control over myself and to a huge degree what we as a family eat as I do most of the cooking and shopping. Whether they eat it or not is up to them. As far as exercise goes I’ve learned I can be supportive by providing the opportunity or the equipment or both. But actually doing it is up to them. If I need someone to take on one of my chores so I can get a workout done I don’t hesitate to ask and often my family will volunteer to cover for me so I can hit the weights coz they know that’s important to me and that’s what being a family is about. Give and take.
Diana
Excellent post Diana. That’s what relationships are all about – uplifting and supporting each other, not dragging each other down.
My wife works very hard on her body for me. I wont say I am perfect but I keep in good shape too. I didn’t marry someone who was going to become overweight and depressed, I married a happy and beautiful woman. If that changed we would have problems, my eye might wander. I am just being honest.
My *eyes* might wander.
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Ok, first I want to comment on the divorce idea that has been discussed a bit here. Please notice that this was not the first solution that Leigh offered…it’s at the end of that list that includes talking and working together and cooperation. Regardless of what you believe in terms of religion, she has offered many other solutions rather than just walking away. Sure, some of those solutions might be harder (for some people), but that’s why they’re first, right?
Diana and Kim, I especially enjoyed your responses. I have a husband who supports me and loves me no matter what I weigh because he’s just a good guy. We have talked about all of this and he’s agreed to do whatever he can to help me, including picking up some of my slack so that I have more time for exercise, and offering to pitch in with some of the cooking or changing some of his own eating patterns to support me. He’s always supportive of lower cal/lower fat/healthier options, and is always willing to give it a go. I think Diana’s right–a healty relationship does involve some give and take, and it must require good communication, both for success in weightloss and just plain success in marriage.
Thanks for another interesting read, Leigh! 3 days and counting!!
Merry Christmas, Leigh (and all of the readers!)!
The original question: Is getting fat in your marriage or relationship a deal breaker?
Two different contexts: Non-marriage relationship? Assuming marriage is logical outcome for a relationships, then sure, it can be a deal breaker. In the relationship stage, we are still “shopping”, looking for the best “deal”, the ideal combination of looks, quality and performance — for lack of a more sensitive, sophisticated analysis.
In a marriage? No, it shouldn’t be. In the context of “better or worse, sickness and health, etc” having a spouse’s getting fat be the reason for a divorce seems petty. Maybe in the case of really great weight gain, there may be enough other issues going on that the situation may be different. However, if one married a person for the person they are (the inside person), then weight gain, although perhaps a concern to discuss and work out, does not seem a reason to leave a person. People getting married for those kinds of reasons — “the deal is half (at least) physical and half person/emotional/psychological” is the reason why so many people get divorced. Get married to the right person for the right reasons and one can work through a lot of stuff. The right reason has to do with the person, not their waistline. (My comments are not meant to pertain to other marriage issues of a more serious nature.)
I just had to chime in on this, since this does hit home. My wife, the person, is the woman I married, and more. I’m not going to split, or raise a major issue, because she has changed physically. I might wish otherwise, but until the day I hit perfection, I should not judge more harshly. I’ve got enough to work on with myself.
Yeah, the sabotage thing is right on. I worked for 2 years to lose body fat and improve my conditioning in a gradual, healthy way, and at the end of it what I got was “stop it, you are losing your nice, round butt,” and “oh, you look too thin.” I’m 5′9″ and 200 lbs and I’m no bodybuilder, so the “thinness” is apparently relative. Sometimes people you love do get scared when you work hard to make major positive changes. Discouraging to find that you are at cross-purposes with your primary support people.
Chris, great post! It sounds like your wife chose well (and I’m sure you did as well!).
Thanks, Sinead. I think we each think we chose really well.