Disclaimer:Let me warn you that this is a very sensitive topic, I am a very straight forward person, and am going to be using common sense, scientific data, and life experiences. This is a very generalized topic and is not going to be true for everyone. Please continue reading with understanding that I am not judging or claiming a right or wrong. This is simply a read of human character.
In my previous post I started the discussion of mixed relations in the aspect of weight and how it affects a relationship. What better place to start than how you pick your mate?
The process of mate selection for human beings is different from culture to culture and has evolved with the ages. Long ago the majority choose a mate purely on the ground of livelihood. If your mate could feed you or have children that was good enough. That isn’t to say there wasn’t always a rebel or two that caused a uproar in the normal flow of things. However, the majority of the time people chose mostly out of safety, and at best for love.
Flash forward to a time of internet dating, mail order brides, maxim magazine, and Flavor of Love. I think you will find that things are a little different. Self independence and prosperity is possible for both sexes. The ability to have children isn’t dependent on a penis and a vagina. Lastly, food is everywhere in advanced societies so the need to find a mate based solely on those past needs are getting cut more and more everyday. If those aren’t leading the ranks of why we pick a mate, what is?
There are many factors that have to do with education and status. This has always been a factor and will continue to be so. However their are other factors and expectations they weren’t always such a big issue that now are. How you look, the health you convey, and the body you have is now a extreme contributing factor. Studies and survey’s around the world are showing time and time again that the weight and appearance of a person plays a very large role in if they are found to be dating material or not. The question is, why?
If you say because “fat people are ugly” you would be wrong. Studies show that it isn’t the physical attraction to the person that is the issue, it is the underlying factors instead. For example, one study shows that on average medical costs are 36% higher for obese adults than their non-obese partners. Other studies also show that those who are largely overweight make a smaller percentage of pay vs those who have a healthier BMI. Obesity is also highly prevalent in low educated households, and the children of obese parents have a higher likely hood to drop out of high school.
When we combine all that above this means that through one scan of the eyes the average person when on approach for dating material can see someone who is obese as unhealthy, uneducated, and not financially secure. Obviously this is not true in all cases, but now if you find yourself in this position, not only do you have to worry about your own insecurities of being physically under par to yourself, you have to worry about your whole level of worth being judged from education to finance. Because of this overwhelming pressure, studies show that the mate you choose is going to be constantly less than your instinctual set standards because you feel that this is the best you can do. The cycle then starts of the problems in the relationship.
What about those of you who beat obesity or are in the effort of trying? Congratulations on not being able to shake your feelings of not being good enough, and the constant feeling of not living up to the standards of your counter part. Constantly those who are overweight will put “being fat” on the high list of problems in a relationship before they will put “living in self doubt.” Mixed couples fight more about cheating, have more short term separations, and will settle more in abusive relationships on average than couples who share in the same activities and physical physique. It is a lot more likely that one of you is nice and the other is a jerk.
The question is does this really have to do with your BMI? No, not really. It isn’t about BMI, that is just a side effect. That is merely the scapegoat for the problem. The problem is self worth and self esteem. Usually those who were married pre-obesity have less problems than those who go into the courtship already overweight. With marriage there is a level of knowing what can be there again if desire or a deep understanding of the person in when they felt their best. Since the person saw the “real” you at a point, even if you are insecure now, there is still enough of you there in them that you are able to maintain a high level of happiness and trust. You live in the world of “it is just a matter of time.”
For those who enter into a relationship already overweight, since they drag in insecurities they already are hiding a part of their true self. Relationships that are built off of false pretense never work. What if that was the only relationship you could ever build because you were that unhappy with who you are? If this sounds familiar then welcome to the courtship of obese dating.
Tips for surviving the world of obese dating:
#1-Lose fat…if you want to.
I am going to be honest, I have never met someone who wanted to be fat. I have met people who decided they didn’t want to try, that they were going to accept themselves for who they were, but at the end of the day would choose to weigh less. Maybe one day we will cross paths.
#2-Live as if you have achieved your goal.
If you live as a fatty, are depressed about it, cry about it, whine about it, then you are it. It is all you are and who wants to be around that. Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it. Your job is to live it until you are it.
#3-Demand respect.
I live my life by one motto. Demand respect. That doesn’t mean you have to be an asshole either, I am quite likable. I go out of my way to help people, I like people. I like the human race, sometimes. You don’t have to be a doormat to be liked, you don’t have to think the world is doing you a favor because you have short comings. Demand the respect you deserve and if you don’t get it then move on and fast.
Next up we will talk about Mixed relationships: For better or for worse
